Saturday, May 21, 2011

Day 1: Revelations from FAT LOADING

The first two days on the hCG protocol is fat loading.  After the amazing and deeply scientific explanation of the process, involving multiple hormones and mitochondria and graphs and the like--in my mind, a simple explanation is this:  It's kind of like starting my lawn mower.  I can pull on the cord over and over again, but if I don't push the primer button to get a little bit of gasoline in the pipeline...nothing will happen.  However, once the ignition occurs, the gasoline is drawn from it's source automatically until the tank runs out.  Basically, I have to eat A LOT of fat ( much as I can stand!) for two solid days before the very low calorie part of the protocol will begin.  At that point, the hCG will start pulling my fat.  Now that's a nice thought. I am, with "No-Holds-Barred" eating conditions.  This is absolutely unprecedented territory for me.  My mother encouraged me to go with her on Weight Watchers to help me get "ballet-thin" at the age of eleven.  That was twenty-five years ago, and I can honestly say that I have not had a mindless bite pass my lips since.  In 25 years, I have not just eaten something because it sounded good and I was hungry.  I have been aware of the caloric ramifications of literally every food choice. 

This is not to say that I have eaten perfectly.  I have, on a whole, eaten very cleanly.  However, with every splurge or imperfection, I have felt guilt and shame to some degree, from mild to severe, depending on my activity level at the time.  And my activity level has also been ridiculous--from mildly to severely so--but more on that later.

48 hours of "pushing the envelope" of fat consumption as far as I can?  All guilt removed--I have to do this as part of the process.  I intentionally, and as advised, go for foods that I love and deny myself.  FRIES, baby!  I love fries, and I never eat them.  They will make me fat, right?  So, initially--freedom, verging on euphoria at the fact that I can eat fries without guilt.  Although, strangely, I have to admit that I enjoy them less than when they were in the "forbidden" catagory.  Then, I have to push past where I am comfortable.  I have to fill up on fat, and then some.  I get to the point where I literally can't eat another french fry.  It wasn't  fun at all.  I feel absolutely horrible.

At this point, I have a total revelation about myself and food.  I feel completely horrible, but only physically.  Had I done this at any other time, my self-disgust would have been literally unimaginable.  I could never have gotten there--WAY too uncomfortable emotionally. 

This protocol has already given me a gift way better than smaller pants.  I have now realized that food is just food.  And, food has been my weapon of choice to flagellate myself for 25 years!  I have become so rigid with myself and so judgmental with others as it relates to food, that I rival the most orthodox religious zealot! 

Food is just food.  I forgive myself.  I don't need to be punished any longer.  I also don't need to deprive myself of foods that I enjoy.  Foods also don't make me happy.  Why have I given food so much power?

I would never have discovered this without fat loading because I couldn't have "gone there".  I am so excited for the rest of this process!

And...I'm really over fries.

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